Ingredients:

• 4 cups plain flour
• A packet of yeast
• Hot water
• ¼ cup of oil
• Pinch of salt (from tears)
• Pinch of sugar
• A hatred for cooking
• Tomato paste
• Pizza toppings
• Hunger

Directions:

1. Let the yeast rise in an undisclosed amount of water with a pinch of sugar. My pinch and your pinch are different and if you put too much or too little it doesn’t really work as effectively and you’ve put too much water and not enough yeast and I know the recipe says to use a packet of yeast but packets sizes are different between countries and I’m in Australia but the recipe is from America but was written by a European so we’re really not sure either and it’s not like yeast is super important for the recipe or anything anyway.
2. Sift the flour into a large bowl and add a pinch of salt.
3. Add the yeast-water and oil. Not coconut oil. Olive oil, like the Italians. Oh, you don’t have olive oil? You’re right, it should have said olive oil in the ingredients. Do you have vegetable oil? It’s okay, that will work too. No, no, that’s their fault for writing the ingredients badly. This is why my grandma always said to read the whole recipe first.
4. Let the dough rise.
5. Wait, I forgot to mix it. Mix and cover to let rise.
6. Oh, wait after mixing you then knead the dough into a ball.
7. Shit! My dough is stuck to the table.
8. Okay, so flour a clean surface then knead. It’s not like I was going to dust flour on top of this morning’s toast crumbs.
9. Sit in an oiled bowl, cover and let rise for one hour.
10. I fell asleep and my dough has risen for three hours. No biggie. Preheat oven to 250 degrees.
11. Flatten your dough. It doesn’t matter how, just make it a pizza shape. Don’t forget to flour your surface. Semolina flour works best but no one tells you that so use plain flour and then you’ll get that great taste of raw flour.
12. Make it too thin and then have to roll it together and then the dough loses all elasticity and begins to rip and is too small and it’s going to cook more like focaccia than pizza dough but you’ve been at this for too long to give up now.
13. Add your toppings and place in oven. Realise you forgot the cheese, pull it out three minutes into the cook time and add cheese.
14. Cook for another ten minutes. The cheese isn’t as cooked as you wanted but the edges of the base are so crispy you might break a tooth. Cut and plate.
15. Enjoy!
16. Realise your pizza is floppy in the middle.
17. Cry.